


Without You

by justalonelyfangirl



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Anger, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Requested, Sad, Season/Series 06, Season/Series 07
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-03
Updated: 2016-12-03
Packaged: 2018-09-06 05:36:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8736832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justalonelyfangirl/pseuds/justalonelyfangirl
Summary: Anon: “How about an Emily x reader where they're engaged and then Emily 'dies' and the reader is upset to the point of self destruction but then Emily comes back and the reader just doesn't want to leave her side ever and for the next few weeks they're just always together”





	

**Author's Note:**

> I really enjoyed writing this so I hope you all enjoy reading it!   
> :)
> 
> Y/F/N = YOUR FIRST NAME

You sat tucked into a chair next to Dave, tear tracks drying on your cheeks as you waited for news about Emily. You’d been pacing but Penelope had finally convinced you to sit down, giving you a cup of tea in an attempt to calm you down slightly. It hadn’t helped – you just felt sick to your stomach.

The second the doors opened your eyes snapped opened to see JJ standing there – tears in her eyes. When she didn’t say anything straight away; you knew. 

“No, no, no, no, NO! JJ please! NO!” You screamed, standing up as the tears came back.

“She never made it off the table” You heard her say and then your knees buckled and you were on the floor, sobs wracking through your body.

As you screamed you felt someone wrap their arms around you, you tried to fight them off but they hugged you tighter and you ended up giving up, just letting yourself cry.

“This isn’t happening! S-She can’t be gone. We were going to get married!” You screamed through a sob. Arms gripped you tighter, and a voice tried to comfort you.

“Let’s get you home” The voice, which you finally recognise as Derek, says after you’ve exhausted yourself from crying – your mouth was dry, your throat sore, and your head was banging and yet you still felt numb. He helps you stand up and you barely take notice of the rest of the team as Derek guides you outside and into his car.

“Do you want to stay at mine tonight?”

You shake your head, before realising that Derek isn’t looking at you. “No, I just want to go home...” 

-

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay? I could crash on your couch?” Derek tried to convince you again that you shouldn’t be on your own, as he stood on your apartment doorstep. 

“I’ll be fine, I’ll see you later” You close the door, even as Derek tries to protest again. You slowly make your way into your apartment, tears instantly spring to your eyes as you see small things of Emily’s lying around.

“Emily, come home...” You whisper, as tears roll down your cheeks and you pick up one of Emily’s jumpers – hugging it close before falling to the floor again, breaking out into sobs.

-

“You ready?” JJ asks you, as you open the door to her a few days later; you let her push her way in not bothering to hide the mess of your apartment. This was the first time you’d seen anyway one since Emily’s death. You’d been ignoring anyone who’d knocked on your door and any phone calls, only listening to the messages they left. JJ had left a message telling you that she’d be picking you up for the funeral (that you were guessing they’d organised as you hadn’t left your apartment).

You see JJ looking around your apartment in shock, glasses were smashed on the floor, photo frames broken, boxes over turned with their contents spilling out onto the floor. 

“Yeah” Your voice was hoarse from crying and screaming. You slipped on your coat and shoes and headed out the door, ignoring JJ’s worried gaze as she trails behind you.

“Penelope has Sergio at the moment. We weren’t sure what to do with him...” JJ said, as she drove to the graveyard.

“You’ve been to her apartment?” You ask as you blink back tears.

“Just to pick up Sergio’s stuff. Everything else is in the same place... Were... Were you moving in with her?” JJ asks carefully.

“Yeah” you choke out. “I sold my apartment 2 weeks ago... I’m meant to be moving in with Emily in a few weeks...” tears begin flowing down your cheeks as you think of Emily and how excited she’d been when you told her that someone was finally interested in buying your apartment.

-

“Hey Y/F/N... Could you phone back? Just so that we know you’re alright? None of us have heard from you since we helped you pack your things and move in to Emily’s... We’re all worried about you...We love you” You hear Garcia sigh as she hangs up. 

It had been over a month since Emily died. Last week you’d had no choice but to move into Emily’s as the new people were due to move into your apartment. You’d called up Hotch and told him your dilemma and that evening the whole team were at your house helping you pack up (while Morgan helped repair the mess you’d made). After they’d moved your stuff into Emily’s you’d basically pushed them all out the door and hadn’t contacted them since. You’d barely even said thank you.  
Garcia had called you every single day since and the rest of the team had at least phoned you once each. You’d ignored every call, just lying on Emily’s bed absorbing her fading smell. 

That evening Morgan started knocking on your door. You’d ignored everyone who’d come round so far but after 5 minutes of constant knocking and of him shouting through the door you finally pulled yourself out of bed. “Y/F/N IF YOU DON’T OPEN THIS DAMN DOOR, I’M KNOCKING IT DOWN”

“WHAT?” You shouted as you slammed your door open. Morgan didn’t say anything straight away just starring at you in shock. You weren’t surprised, you looked a mess. “What do you want Morgan?” You asked again when he still hadn’t said anything. 

“I wanted to check that you were ok but you’re obviously not...” He finally said. 

You laughed bitterly. “You wanted to check if I was ok? Of course I’m not fucking ok! My fiancée is dead!” You hissed. 

“Y/F/N-” Morgan began but you cut him off.

“Now leave me alone” You say, as you try to slam the door closed.

Morgan slips his foot in between your door before it can shut. “Y/F/N look, I know you’re hurting but if you talk to us, we can help!” He insists as he makes his way into your apartment. 

“And say what exactly? That my fiancée, my Emily, is dead! And I’m SO ANGRY! Because If I’d been there or IF YOU’D DONE YOUR FUCKING JOB, MORGAN! THEN MAYBE SHE’D STILL BE ALIVE! But she’s not! SHE’S GONE!” You roared “NOW GET OUT OF MY FUCKING APARTMENT BEFORE I HURT YOU!” 

Tears streamed down your face as you heard Morgan back out of your apartment and close the door behind him. 

“AHHH!” You scream as you pick up the closest thing to you, a vase, and throw it at the door Morgan had just exited from. 

You hated him. He should have saved her. You should have saved her. You should have been there to help her. You hated yourself and you hated Emily because she was dead and you were alone again and you aren’t sure how you are EVER going to survive this, and if you even want to.

-

You lie there just staring at the ceiling in your room. It had been 3 months since Emily had died. Penelope phoned you every other day, JJ and Hotch once a week, Rossi and Reid every two weeks and Morgan hadn’t spoken to you since you’d screamed at him. You’d send Penelope a text once a week just so she and the rest of the team knew you were breathing and to stop them trying to bang down your door like Morgan had threatened too. 

You barely moved from your bed. The smell of Emily was now gone from the sheets but you wore her old clothes just to find a feint smell of her. You hadn’t showered in over a week and you had no idea when your last decent meal was. 

Penelope came round with food baskets which you snacked on when you remembered to eat and that was your only source of food. 

A few weeks later, when Penelope dropped off the usual food basket, she left a case file as well with a simple note: “Thought you might be able to help”.

You flicked through it briefly as you chewed on some sunflower seeds. An 8 year old girl had been kidnapped from the park this morning. A 9 year old boy had been kidnapped 2 months ago and a 6 year old girl 4 months ago. They were all in the foster system but they’d never been in the same home. 

You grabbed your phone and dialled Penelope’s number. 

“I thought you guys had forgotten about me” said Penelope’s teasing voice. 

“Hey Pen, I got the case file” You said, your voice rough from not talking.

“OH MY GOD! Y/F/N!” Penelope squealed. “HOW ARE YOU?”

You ignored her question. “Have you looked up the standard of living for each child? Were they all from bad foster homes?” You asked.

“I haven’t, I’ll do it now!” 

“Thanks Pen. Let the team know what you find out. If the kids were all from bad foster homes chances are so was the unsub. Leave a message about the results from the case” You say, going into work mode “and Pen? Tell Morgan I’m sorry...” You finish, sadly.

“Of course Y/F/N! But wait! Why are you sor-” You shut off the phone before she could finish.

-

You were a mess. You couldn’t stop crying, your chest ached and your throat was sore and you missed her so, so much. You grabbed the half empty bottle of whiskey and took another large gulp of drink. 

You sat on your sofa, squeezing a pillow tightly as tears fell down your face.

“Y/F/N?” You heard from outside your apartment but ignored it and hugged the pillow tighter, imagining it was Emily.

“Y/F/N, its Dave. Can you let me in please?” You shook your head even though you knew he couldn’t see you. 

You were surprised when a minute later, you heard him making his way into your apartment. 

“Wh-How?” You sniffled, looking up shocked.

“Emily gave Aaron a key when she moved in to use for emergencies” He said simply as he came and sat down next to you. 

“Oh” You breathed, as you wiped away a few tears that were trailing down your face.

“Has today been a bad day?”

“Yeah... Just everything today has reminded me of her, I look at the sofa and think of all the nights we’d snuggle up together, I look at the coffee pot and think of all the mornings I came out her room to see her standing making coffee, I see a jumper and just think of her and I just...” You trail off as tears fall down your face and you release a sob. Rossi extends an arm and pulls you into a hug.

“I know, I know. Shh...Breathe Y/F/N, breathe...” Rossi says, as he tries to calm you down as your sobs wrack through your body and you find it difficult to breathe. 

After you’ve calmed down slightly you look up at Rossi. “Is Morgan mad at me?” 

“Not that I’m aware. He won’t talk about what happened, Garcia was going on at him for at least a week trying to figure out why you were sorry” He says looking at you in question.

“I shouted at him when he came to visit. I basically told him it was his fault Emily was dead...” You sigh “I mean, I know it isn’t I was just angry at everyone – mainly myself and he was there so I took it out on him”

“Are you still angry?” 

“Sometimes, it comes in waves. Sometimes I think I’m fine and that maybe I could go back to work, other days I’m in tears and feel like I never want to move again, some days I’m angry at myself, Doyle and Emily, sometimes I just want to drown myself in alcohol and other days I’m just numb...” 

“What about coming back part time?” Dave asks, raising his eyebrow.

“Can I do that?”

“I’ll phone Aaron” 

-

“Y/F/N, how are you doing?” Hotch asks you as you step off the elevator for your first day back at work. 

“I’m alright” You smile, as you follow Hotch into the bullpen.

“Ok, so everything should be pretty much the same apart from the fact you’ll be staying in Garcia’s office with her, so we can contact you both easily” You nod along as Hotch talks, looking round the room and taking note of any changes. When your eyes hit Emily’s empty desk you freeze and your eyes begin to water.  
You imagined her sitting there, you had sat opposite her and you two would always be joking around. You imagine the times when you’d watch her work secretly, the way she’d bite her lip when she was in deep thought and how when she was bored she’d begin tapping her pen on the desk to the rhythm to the song she had stuck in her head at that time. 

“Y/F/N?” You snapped your gaze away from the desk and back to Hotch to see his concerned look.

“Sorry, what did you say?” You asked 

“Are you sure you’re going to be ok?” 

“I’ll be fine” You say quietly. “Where are Emily things?”

“I packed them into a box and placed them under your desk” Reid says, coming up beside you and smiling shyly. 

“Thank you” You nod

“Garcia sent me to tell you there’s a case” Reid smiles and then makes his way over to the rest of the team, you and Hotch both follow. 

-

“Is Y/F/N there?” JJ asks Garcia after they finish discussing the case.

“Yeah, she’s napping. God JJ, she’s exhausted all the time and she hardly eating anymore. I bought her lunch yesterday and she had about 3 mouthfuls and then stopped eating!” Garcia said sadly, as she looked at you sleeping in the chair next to her. 

JJ sighed “I just want to help her, but I have no idea how too. She’s got us all at arm’s length...”

“She’s having nightmares...She doesn’t think I know but one time she woke up screaming Emily’s name. I was down the hall so I wasn’t there when she woke up. Every time I ask her if she’s ok, she’ll say she’s alright, even when there are tears in her eyes!” 

“I’ve got to get back, just keep an eye on her?”

“Of course”

-

“Y/F/N!” Hotch says in shock when you enter work a week later. You reeked of alcohol, your hair was a mess, your clothes were all rumpled (and the same ones you’d turned up to work in yesterday).

“Hey Boss Man!” You said laughing as you stumbled slightly. Hotch grabbed your elbow and guided you to the nearest free office.

“Hey! I wanted to go say hi to the team!” You protest as Hotch shuts the door behind you. 

“Y/F/N, What are you doing here?” Hotch asks tiredly.

“I’m trying to work but you’ve dragged me into...” You pause as you try and figure out your surroundings “Is this Lambert’s old office?” You laugh loudly.

“What’s so funny?” Hotch asks confused.

“Emily and I used to come in here and fool around!” You suddenly stop laughing and properly look up at Hotch “I hope that’s not why you brought me in here, because in case you’ve forgotten, I do not like dick!” You scrunch your face up in disgust.

Hotch just rolls his eyes at you and sighs. “Just stay here, I’m going to go get someone to take you home” 

“Of course Boss Man” You say, saluting at him as he exits the room. You go throw yourself on the little sofa in the room and quickly doze off. 

“Y/F/N, come on wake up” JJ says, shaking your shoulder slightly. 

“Emily?” You mumble tiredly.

“No Y/F/N, its JJ. I’m here to take you home” JJ sighs sadly. 

-

You’d been doing so well. You’d been back at work part time for about 2 months before you’d turned up to work drunk. Some days you’d missed because you didn’t want to move from bed, all you wanted to do was cry but you had been doing quite well. You’d been so proud of yourself. You’d thought things might slowly start to turn around. 

But after you’d gotten home from work that one night, you’d just really wanted a drink and then you couldn’t stop, trying to get rid of the images of Emily from your head. 

You had no idea why when you woke up that next morning, you thought going into work would was a good idea. You hadn’t been back to since that incident, you were completely humiliated. 

“What is wrong with me” you whisper to yourself as you drop your hands into your head. 

-

“I’m going home” You say, getting out of your chair and trying to make you way out of the room; only to be stopped when JJ and Hotch make their way towards you.

“Y/F/N sit down and we’ll explain” Hotch says his face a blank mask.

“Look you dragged me out of my apartment at a stupid time-”

“It was 10 o’clock” Reid interrupts but you glare at him and he shuts up again.

Hotch cuts you off before you can begin ranting again. “7 months ago, I made a decision that affected the whole team...”

You stare at him, as you listen to his speech about Emily being alive. 

“She’s alive?” You whisper quietly, eyes pointed at the floor as tears begin trailing down your cheeks.

“...But if anyone has any issues they should be directed towards me” Hotch finishes.

“Any issues? Yeah I’ve got issues” You hear Morgan say but your eyes haven’t moved from the floor. You hear footsteps and you don’t, you can’t, move. 

“I’m so sorry, I really am” You hear Emily say, your Emily, that was her voice. A voice you were sure you were never going to hear again. 

“Y/F/N?” Emily says, and you can feel she’s standing behind you. You wipe your eyes furiously, before whipping your head up and turning round to face her. Any angry statement you had planned to say died on your lips the second you see her. You grab her, pulling her in for a tight hug, as you hide your head in her shoulder and sob. Her arms come round your waist and hold you tight as she whispers over and over “I’m so sorry, I’m so very sorry”

“You died Em, I was all alone again” You choke on your tears.

“I’m sorry Y/F/N. I really am! I love you so much. Not one day didn’t go by where I didn’t just want to pick up the phone and call you” Emily says, and you can hear the emotion in her voice.

“I-It’s been horrible, I-I was falling apart Em. Please don’t leave me again. If something happens, you take me with you because I can’t breathe without you. I love you Emily” You say your head finally leaving her shoulder as you speak to her urgently “Okay?”

“Okay” She nods, before leaning forward and capturing your lips in hers in a desperate kiss. 

-

“All of my stuff is still here” Emily says in shock as you both head back to your apartment. 

“Yeah, I didn’t want to move or change anything” You whisper, as you take Emily’s bags and place them in the bedroom. 

“Sergio?” Emily asks

“Penelope has him. I wasn’t in any state to look after myself, let alone anything else” 

“I’m really sorry Y/F/N” Emily says, as tears fill her eyes.

“Hey, it’s okay. You’re here now, that’s all that matters” You smile at Emily, pulling her in and kissing her sweetly “Can we just go lie down and hold each other?” You ask

“Yes please” Emily breathes.

-

“Em?” Both of you were currently sat on the sofa watching TV and eating food from Emily’s favourite Chinese restaurant. 

“Yeah?” She responds, glancing over to you as she takes another mouthful of noodles.

“Do you still want to marry me?” You ask shyly, as you play with your food.

Emily looks at you in shock and places her food on the coffee table in front of her, before shuffling towards you on the sofa and grabbing your hands. “Y/F/N, look at me” She says, and you slowly raise your eyes to hers.

She takes one of your hands and holds your face “Of course I want to marry you. Why wouldn’t I? Don’t you remember the night we spoke about our dream? About buying the house? Adopting 2 children? And getting multiple cats?. Y/F/N, I want it all and I want it with you and you know what? I can’t wait, let’s get married soon okay baby? Because I want to be your wife, I love you Y/F/N” Emily finished, tears glistening in her eyes.

“I love you so much” You say shaking your head and kissing her hardly.

-

*5 YEARS LATER*

“Josie, dinner time!” You shout up the stairs.

“Coming Mama!” The four year old shouts back, as she bumps down the stairs and runs into the kitchen. “What we having?”

“Well, if you sit down like your mother told you to you’d find a bowl of pasta” Emily says as she enters the kitchen carrying Finley. 

Josie giggles as she climbs up onto her chair, and begins eating her pasta. “Mummy?” 

“Yes Darling?” Emily responds, as she places Finley in his high chair. 

“When are we going to see Uncle Rossi again?” She asks “He does the best pasta” 

You laugh “We’re going to see him on Friday remember? Uncle Rossi is throwing a party because Mummy and I have been married for 5 years now”. You slip into the seat next to Emily, leaning over and giving her brief kiss on the lips as she fed Finley. 

“Auntie Penny?” 

“Yes, she’ll be there” Emily responds.

“Uncle Derek?” 

“Yes, he’ll be there too” 

“Uncle Aaron?” 

“Josie, everyone will be there. Including Jack, Henry, Michael and Hank” 

“Good” She nods, before eating another piece of pasta.

-

“Peace” You sigh, as you throw yourself onto the couch next to Emily. “Who knew that 4 year olds could ask so many questions” 

Emily laughs “I don’t think its all 4 year olds. I think it’s just Josie”

“Hmm... must take after you” You say smiling, as you pull Emily into your arms. You both sit there quietly for a few minutes. 

“Can you believe the dream came true?” Emily says, looking up at you and smiling slightly.

“We’re missing something” You say smirking.

“What?” she asks frowning. 

“Look in the box” You say pointing towards a box by the end of the couch, one that Emily hadn’t even noticed.

She gets up and carefully picks the box up and opens it “A KITTEN!” Emily squeals. 

“Well we also said we’d have multiple cats. I mean we have Sergio but I thought he might want a friend” You say grinning. “What do you want to name him?” 

“Hmm...What about Volpe? It means fox in Italian, but I think it suit him” Emily says as she holds the ginger ball of fur in her lap.

“Sergio and Volpe? I like it” You smile.

“I love you Y/F/N” Emily smiles as she plays with her new kitten.

“I love you too”


End file.
